Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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