I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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