Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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