oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
