its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
