There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
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well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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