you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
