I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
