I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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