The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
