I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the condom got lost in my hair
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
