I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I want her autograph on my taint
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
