Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
