an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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