i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
