last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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