I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
