I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
