I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
