Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
