I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
