Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
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I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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