But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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