yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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