my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
