Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
