I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
