we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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