My liver just broke up with me...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
