i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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