I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
