Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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