Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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