I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
