i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
