Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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