I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
