I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk