I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
