Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?