I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
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Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.