You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.