Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
