I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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