BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
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Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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