I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
