i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
