is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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