currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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