I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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