If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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