i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
