i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
