Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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