Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
