Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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