i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize