Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
