mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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