Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
