It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
