i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
