Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
